Solution-Building™: An Introduction, Part 2

In the last post I ended with a brief discussion of issues that can arise when working with others we do not like or even actively dislike. This time we will start with how we can get along with, and work with, these people.

I think we can all agree that it is much easier to work with people you like, or at least get along with, than with people you do not. It would be great if we could choose to work only with friends but that simply is not the real world, especially when you are a part of an organization with a range of coworkers. Often we are placed on teams that are chosen by managers and supervisors based on whatever criteria they have decided to use. Those doing the choosing often do not know or care about the relationships between those they want to work on some task; they just want the work done and preferably done well. 

Let’s say you are put on a team of seven people tasked with dealing with an issue, analyzing it, and coming up with a set of recommendations to your senior managers. You walk into the first meeting and see two people you know and like, two people you recognize but do not know well enough to either like or dislike, one you dislike intensely, and one you are meeting for the first time. 

In order to get the task done most effectively you are going to have to deal with all the other members of the team. Five of the other members are not likely to be a problem for you but you still have to deal with the one you dislike. How are you going to do that?

First, go back to the topic I discussed in the previous post, commitment. If you are truly committed to the task you are charged with, you need to be able to work with the people assigned to that task, like them or not. Easy? Not really. Doable? Yes.

Second, ask yourself why you dislike that person. Here, you have to be honest with yourself about your reasons. Does your dislike arise from some unpleasant interaction? Does it derive from some sort of personality conflict? Is it because of different political views? Is it because of some deeper issue, such as the person reminding you of a particularly brutal and unpleasant coach from your soccer team in high school? Is it work-related? Or, to put things somewhat delicately, does it spring from some sort of prejudice? Or something else entirely?

No matter what reason, does it have to render working together on this task impossible? Why?

These are difficult questions. Before you get tangled up with all this apparent self-analysis and reflection, consider that there is a body of information available that says that no matter how divided people may be, in general they can agree on many topics. In fact, two people who may seem to be polar opposites very often agree on up to 90% of issues. They may disagree on how to solve them but agreeing to the issues is a huge first step to finding solutions.

Don’t believe me? I suggest you go to livingroomconversations.org and read about an effort to get people talking and communicating–despite differences–and even find common beliefs and concerns. You can read about people who you may feel could not find a civil word to share sitting down to meet, discuss, and find that common ground.

When I first heard about Livingroom Conversations, I was told a story about how it arose. I was told that by some mechanism, the founder of MoveOn.org and the founder (or one of the founders) of the Tea Party movement sat down and talked. Now, you would think that these two people would not want to be in the same room, much less actually talk. But they did, and they found out, perhaps to their surprise, that they did agree on about 90% of the topics that concerned their lives.

In fact, if you think about this for a minute, you and the people you think you dislike and have nothing in the way of common ground, have many of the same concerns. These may be:

• Their children’s safety
• Being able to pay the mortgage, or rent, and put food on the table
• The need for good, affordable healthcare
• The importance of education
• The value of faith – irrespective of their chosen form of expression of that faith
• The growing divisions in our society – and there are many even if you don’t have exactly the same list

These are only a few of the topics you may find that you agree about. As you get to know them you will find many areas of common agreement. As I said above, you may not agree on how to solve each of them but that is not the important thing; the dialog, the interchange of ideas, the getting to know the person as a fellow human traveler through this life, is what is important.

When you get to know people who are different from you for any reason, you begin to see the positives about them. You begin to understand what makes them tick, what motivates them, and it begins not to matter that they are different, in any way, from you. You develop respect for them. As a consequence, those aspects that you found difficult or annoying become unimportant.

In other words, you move toward friendship.

When you do this, all of a sudden that person you started out disliking, and feeling you cannot work with, becomes much easier to work with. This will make any common effort or task much more likely to be successful.

If the founders of two such apparently polar opposite groups as MoveOn.org and the Tea Party can do it, you can. Anyone can.

You just have to be willing to start.

What do you think? Have you ever tried to get to know someone you thought you would not like and then discovered they were really good people all along? Tell me about it.

See you next week with more introductory information about Solution-Building.