Solution-Building™: The Rules, Part 6

Let’s now move back to our discussion of the Solution-Building Guidelines and look at number 4, which is based on the basic concept of commitment as well as courtesy:

Guideline Number 4: 
Act as though the person whose respect is most important to you is watching how you behave.

So, what, exactly, does this Guideline mean and how does it fit with the others, of which you have now been given a preview? Why do we need this in light of the 3^rd Guideline about treating everyone with courtesy and respect? What good is it to imagine someone standing, ghost-like, in the room watching everything we do (with the implication of being willing to disapprove)?

While this one may seem a bit odd, as we develop the rationale behind it, I am sure you will find it appropriate. In many ways it is a caution about how we act in the group that will help us with maintaining the principle of courtesy as well as a commitment that will help the group function smoothly.

In terms of the basic principles of commitment, objectivity, and courtesy, this Guideline is about courtesy, which is also about personal behavior and how we interact with others.

All of us–or at least those of us who are neither sociopaths or psychopaths–have someone in our lives whose respect is very important to us. This person could be a parent or other relative, a teacher, a minister, a mentor, or just about anyone in our lives. It could be someone we do not even know personally, say an eminent person in our field or a particularly respected religious leader. 

Whoever this is, would we want to disappoint them by our behavior or actions? I contend that the answer to this is, or should be, a resounding “no.” Therein lies the basis for this Guideline.

Human beings are social animals. We, as a species, have been through a sequence of social structures as we have developed and advanced. These have included family, tribe, village, city, city-state, nation, unions of nations, and are now functioning in many ways as a global society. 

Each of these social structures is successful to the extent that the members work together, in other words, the structure is based on a cooperative notion: that those who compose the structure work together to provide the needs of those members. Those needs are not just physical needs such as food and shelter. As the circles of those structures expanded from family to tribe and beyond, we saw the appearance of story-tellers, healers (aka, the shaman), crop-growers, hewers of wood, and more, providing other needs besides the basics. We now have a highly complex and interwoven network of skills that have allowed us to not only provide food on a vast scale but also to create an efficient and instant international communications network and even go to the Moon and back. 

It is not just the food and skills that have, through extensive cooperation, allowed and even encouraged us to advance, but the global economy is built on trade, the movement of goods and services throughout the world. This, then, also involves the sharing of resources, the raw goods that are required to keep that economy functioning, and then the products they make.

A functioning society, no matter what that society looks like, is based on cooperation. Cooperation, then, is dependent on personal interactions. 

Personal interaction, as we all know, can be positive or negative. Overall, for a society to grow and advance, the balance of those interactions must be positive. If the balance is negative, the structure is unstable and erodes or even collapses. This is true whether we are talking about a family or a nation.

No matter the overall balance in the society around us, there are always positive personal interactions and we all have them with various people. 

We also have a few (sometimes a very few) of these positive relationships with individuals who are very special to us. We behave well around and with them and want them to think well of us. We would not do anything with or around them that would disappoint them or make them think ill of us.

So why should we picture them sitting in a room with us during a discussion, meeting, or other setting? Mainly because this will encourage us to guard our tongues, control our tempers, and behave with courtesy and respect, even when the discussion becomes heated something that is not unusual. 

But the clash of differing, even opposing, opinions does not have to become contentious, loud, nasty, profane, or angry. Such turns in the discussions serve only to cement the opponents into their positions and do not encourage true discussion of the merits of ideas. Seeing, in your mind’s eye, a person whom you deeply care about and who would not approve of this type of behavior on your part sitting in the corner watching you will help you control your behavior and then help defuse a contentious situation, leading to more fruitful discussion and decision-making.

I find that before I go into a meeting that could become unpleasant, I can center myself by seeing the shade of my long-deceased but always favorite uncle looking at me reproachfully, as he did the one time I know I disappointed him. That, and a couple of deep breaths, helps me stay calm and good-humored, no matter what else I am feeling.